Monday macros

Callie and I ended up in the piney woods the other day during our morning walk. As the needles fall from the trees, a lot of them get caught on branches before hitting the ground. They look as if they're sitting there deliberately, straddling the branches, enjoying the view.

Just hanging around, 100mm (macro), f/2.8, 1/200s, ISO 6400.

We watched the finale of "Downton Abbey" last night. I understand that the final season just started in the US, so I won't tell what happened. Except to say this: the end was a bit sappy. It's hard to believe the series started six years ago. In France, it started in December 2011. We were a year behind. But the series became very popular and they got us caught up so that we saw the last couple of seasons pretty much at the same time that they aired in the UK, and before they aired in the US. And now we're done.

By the way, we have the option to watch many foreign programs (especially movies) in their original language, with French subtitles. For us, there's really no point in watching an English-language film or television program dubbed into French. Likewise, we watch French films and television in French. The original language and, by extension, the original actors' voices are always better.

What's on tv

This week is Christmas week. School vacations start today. The new Star Wars movie is in theaters, and one of our channels will be running all six previous Star Wars movies, one each night starting tomorrow. And Michelin-starred celebrity chef Philippe Etchebest is sharing a recipe for Christmas Eve.

A simmering Christmas.

What NOT to watch this week. Our tv magazine rates shows and movies using a star system: one star is ok, four stars is best. They use another symbol for really bad movies: the red dot. It means "à zapper" (change the channel!). The editors often include comments about the movie that make me laugh.

This time the Americans teamed up with the Canadians to bring us Christmas-themed disaster of a disaster movie. Its original title: "The 12 Disasters of Christmas."

Les 12 plaies de l'apocalypse (The 12 plagues of the apocalypse). American/Canadian made-for-television movie directed by Stephen R. Monroe, 2010.
With Ed Quinn, Magda Apanowicz, and Holly Elissa.
► A black star appears in the sky on Christmas night and natural disasters follow.
A ridiculous plot orchestrated by an uninspired director and bad actors. A bomb.
For adults and children over 10.

What's on tv

Star Wars. Nothing but Star Wars. This week's television program magazine comes with one of two covers to celebrate the release of the new Star Wars movie. One cover represents the "light" side of the Force (I've never heard of it referred to that way), the other represents the Dark Side. The cover we got in the mail is, as you can see, the "light" side version. You can see the Dark Side version in the inset.

The television program announces a theatrical release. Entertainment news is entertainment news.

What NOT to watch this week. Our tv magazine rates shows and movies using a star system: one star is ok, four stars is best. They use another symbol for really bad movies: the red dot. It means "à zapper" (change the channel!). The editors often include comments about the movie that make me laugh.

Even a French film starring Catherine Deneuve can get a red dot, as this one has. Elie Semoun is a French comedian and actor. He's ok in small doses, but is not one of my favorites. I probably won't be watching this film.

Cyprien. French movie directed by David Carhon, 2009.
With Elie Semoun, Catherine Deneuve, and Vincent Desagnat.
► Thanks to his magic deodorant, a particularly ugly IT guy finally becomes handsome and makes a place for himself in the fashion magazine for which he works.
The characters are total caricatures, painted in broad strokes with disdain, and the direction is transparent. A very painful comedy.
For adults and teenagers.

What's on tv

Not only is Angelina Jolie doing something-or-other that's coming out in theaters this week, but one of her movies is also on television. Most of the news programs are still processing the terrorist attacks in Paris and there's a lot of news coming out of the climate conference that continues through the coming week. And there's an interview with Jean Dujardin.

Angelina Jolie: One woman's battles.

What NOT to watch this week. Our tv magazine rates shows and movies using a star system: one star is ok, four stars is best. They use another symbol for really bad movies: the red dot. It means "à zapper" (change the channel!). The editors often include comments about the movie that make me laugh.

I'm not sure I've ever seen "American Pie," let alone its collection of direct-to-DVD spinoffs including this one. Its original title is "Band Camp." This is one of those instances where the French change the English title to another English title. I suppose "Band Camp" has no meaning to French people, but "No Limit" is a somewhat more familiar phrase. By the way, the word navet (turnip) is often used to describe a very bad movie.

American Pie présente : No Limit ! (American Pie presents: No Limit!). American made-for-tv movie directed by Steve Rash, 2005.
With Tad Hilgenbrink and Arielle Kebbel.
► A student is required to spend his summer at band camp. He tries to make compromising films with the band members.
It would be difficult to make a more bogged down, less funny movie than this turnip.
For adults and kids over 10.

What's on tv

This week we see a very famous French actress, Sophie Marceau, in a role written by Bergman back in 1972. Apparently she did this as a play before starring in it as a television movie. Marceau became famous in 1980 when she starred in "La Boum" at the tender age of thirteen.

The climate conference, COP21, is taking place this week in Paris. I hope they don't watch this week's bad movie!

What NOT to watch this week. Our tv magazine rates shows and movies using a star system: one star is ok, four stars is best. They use another symbol for really bad movies: the red dot. It means "à zapper" (change the channel!). The editors often include comments about the movie that make me laugh.

This week's bad movie is from Canada. It's original title is "Something Beneath." I was going to translate the French title as "The Creature from the Basement," but given the actual title, I think the word sous-sol, often used to mean "basement," is better interpreted as "underground."

La créature du sous-sol (The Creature from Underground). Canadian made-for-tv movie directed by David Winning, 2007.
With Kevin Sorbo, Natalie Brown, Peter MacNeill, and Brendan Beiser.
► A creature from the depths of the earth terrorizes a climate change conference.
A bland bomb that never convinces, from the direction to the actors to the plot.
For adults and teenagers.

What's on tv

Well, speaking of the weather! Just as our weather turns from mild to wintry, we have the Paris climate summit coming up, and various television weather presenters are being interviewed about climate change. The woman on this week's cover, Evelyne Dhéliat, is one we see often. We used to see a lot more of Laurent Romejko when he was on France 2, but he's moved over to France 3 and we don't watch weather on that channel much.

Leo DiCaprio is among the more ecologically-minded movie stars.

What NOT to watch this week. Our tv magazine rates shows and movies using a star system: one star is ok, four stars is best. They use another symbol for really bad movies: the red dot. It means "à zapper" (change the channel!). The editors often include comments about the movie that make me laugh.

A French stinker! Lest you think our editors are chauvinistic, they will pan French films when appropriate. I think this one may have been featured here before, but it's the only red-dot program I could find this week.

Frère et sœur (Brother and Sister). French made-for-tv movie directed by Denis Malleval.
With Bernard Le Coq, Roxane Potereau, and Jacques Sereys.
► A fifty-something lawyer and confirmed bachelor sees his father return after being gone for fifty years. He's accompanied by a young woman who turns out to be his daughter.
This comedy thinks it's funny, but there's not much on offer for neither the viewers nor the actors, except to make them uneasy.
For everyone.

What's on tv

I've been watching the Paris Open Masters tournament all week. Today is semi-finals day with the final on Sunday evening. I'll wager Djokovic will dispatch Wawrinka, but I wouldn't predict Ferrer v. Murray. That should be a slugfest!

I've heard of "The Hunger Games," but I've not read the books, so I probably won't watch the movies.

What NOT to watch this week. Our tv magazine rates shows and movies using a star system: one star is ok, four stars is best. They use another symbol for really bad movies: the red dot. It means "à zapper" (change the channel!). The editors often include comments about the movie that make me laugh.

This one's from New Zealand. Even the Kiwis can make bad films. The French title means "The Buried Heart," but the film's actual title is "Cave In."

Le cœur enseveli (Cave In). New Zealand made-for-tv movie. Directed by Rex Plano, 2003.
With Mimi Rogers, Ted Shackelford, and Bruce Allpress.
► A police commissioner calls on her experience to help four miners trapped underground.
This little disaster film totally sacrifices the potential of its spectacular story in favor of the conventional and the bland.
For adults and kids over 10.

What's on tv

I watch a lot of tv, but apparently I don't watch enough. I've not heard of Madame Polony, who has, apparently, been the host of top shows on French tv and is now, at least for this issue, the editor and chief of our tv program magazine. And Nagui, a host I do know, is bringing back one of his signature shows, "Taratata," a late night popular music show, à la "Don Kirshner's Rock Concert" for those Americans who remember. I don't stay up late enough to watch it.

Ski season is back.

What NOT to watch this week. Our tv magazine rates shows and movies using a star system: one star is ok, four stars is best. They use another symbol for really bad movies: the red dot. It means "à zapper" (change the channel!). The editors often include comments about the movie that make me laugh.

Another end-of-the-world disaster flic. But, it's got Marina Sirtis (Deanna Troi for you Star Trek fans)!

L'équation de l'apocalypse (Annihilation Earth). American made-for-tv movie. Directed by Nick Lyon, 2009.
With Didem Erol, Louise Cliffe, Luke Goss, Marina Sirtis, and Colin Salmon.
► In the future, the fate of world is endangered by terrorists who want to put an end to Western supremacy.
This end-of-the-world story is never believable, and neither are its actors.
For adults and kids over 10.

Friday fifties

Morning fog has been the rule this week, along with some light rain. It's normal weather for this time of year and on through November. When we have high atmospheric pressure, the low clouds and fog get trapped in a temperature inversion. They may or may not dissipate. When we have low atmospheric pressure, we get clouds and rain off the Atlantic. Film at eleven.

Callie pauses on our way back home from a foggy morning walk, 50mm f/6.3, 1/100s, ISO 400.

I wonder if younger people know that expression, "film at eleven." When I was a teenager, the late news on television in the US came on at eleven o'clock pm, so when stations did a teaser for late breaking news, they'd often say something like, "...such and such happened earlier today, film at eleven." Notice the word "film." Videotape was not yet widespread back then, and digital video didn't even exist. And since those days, a lot of local news programming moved up to ten o'clock. That and 24-hour news stations essentially killed off the eleven o'clock news programs around the US. So "film at eleven" has become a completely obsolete expression. We'll have more on that story after the break.

What's on tv

Star Wars! Nothing but Star Wars... I hear Bill Murray singing the Star Wars theme as lounge singer Nick Winters from back in the day. I was seventeen years old when the first Star Wars movie was released, just graduating from high school. And now, thirty-eight years later, the seventh film is about to come out in theaters. I'm sure there will be some re-showings of the series on television, not that I don't have all the movies on DVD already.

Given the choices on this week's cover, I'd rather not kiss the Wookiee.

What NOT to watch this week. Our tv magazine rates shows and movies using a star system: one star is ok, four stars is best. They use another symbol for really bad movies: the red dot. It means "à zapper" (change the channel!). The editors often include comments about the movie that make me laugh.

This week's bomb sounds very familiar. But then, don't they all?

Firequake. American/Canadian made-for-tv movie. Directed by Geoff Browne, 2014.
With Alexandra Paul, Kirsty Mitchell, and Luke Cousins.
► A laboratory has created a hyper-powerful energy source that spreads beneath the Earth's crust causing unprecedentedly violent earthquakes.
Alexandra Paul half-heartedly tries to make something of an inconsistent character in an overly predictable story surrounded by failed special effects.
For adults and kids over 10.

What's on tv

And we're back! Last week's tv magazine finally arrived after a few days. This week's arrived on time. Just in time for the magazine's 25th anniversary issue. Big whoop. On the cover (and the fold-out extension of the cover) is a collection of current presenters/hosts from many of the channels featured in the guide. I recognize about a third of them.

I spared you the fold-out cover of this week's magazine.

What NOT to watch this week. Our tv magazine rates shows and movies using a star system: one star is ok, four stars is best. They use another symbol for really bad movies: the red dot. It means "à zapper" (change the channel!). The editors often include comments about the movie that make me laugh.

I don't know how the movie people decide when to use a foreign film's original title, when to translate it into French, and when to just make something up in either or both languages. All three methods are used all the time here. This one, "Angel Eyes," retains the original American title of the film, whereas the film mentioned in the review is a translation of its American title, with one word dropped out ("The Thin Red Line" becomes "The Red Line").

Angel Eyes. American drama. Directed by Luis Mandoki, 2001.
With Jennifer Lopez, Jim Caviezel, Jeremy Sisto, and Terrence Howard.
► In the US, a young police woman feels attracted to a vagrant who saved her life.
A tragically bad film. Useless. Without interest. Caviezel is far from his superb work in "The Thin Red Line," and Jennifer Lopez leaves us cold in what should have been a moving role.
For adults and kids over 10.

What's on tv

I have no idea. The tv program didn't come in the mail yet. And that's very unusual. I've been getting this tv magazine in the mail for close to ten years now, and this is the first time I can remember it not getting here on time. I know the subscription is up to date; I renewed it in August. So, today you get autumn leaves.

Some grape leaves go brilliant red in the fall.

I have the worst luck with chainsaws. I was merrily sawing away on Friday when the chain suddenly came off the saw in mid-cut. Somehow it got deformed and will no longer glide in the guide arm. Ugh! Now I have to take the saw into the shop and either get a new chain or a new guide or both.

What's on tv

This week's cover features Julie Gayet, an accomplished actress and producer. She's done a lot in film and television, and is interviewed for the magazine this week. Also, Sylvie Vartan. Her cover quote: "With me, it's all or nothing." She's a singer from the sixties, but she's currently in a play in Paris with Isabelle Mergault.

Robert Redford, a free man. Was he ever not?

What NOT to watch this week. Our tv magazine rates shows and movies using a star system: one star is ok, four stars is best. They use another symbol for really bad movies: the red dot. It means "à zapper" (change the channel!). The editors often include comments about the movie that make me laugh.

I know it seems that the tv people pick on American disaster and sci-fi movies as duds. But there are plenty of American (and other) films on during the week that get very good reviews. Still, the US does produce a lot stuff, so it stands to reason that there's a lot of bad stuff out there, especially when you include low-budget, made-for-tv stuff that's probably inexpensive enough for these cable channels to acquire in quantity.

San Andreas magnitude 10 (San Andreas Quake). American made-for-tv movie. Directed by John Baumgartner, 2015.
With Jhey Castles, Jason Woods, and Grace Van Dien.
► A seismologist predicts a large-magnitude earthquake in California, but no one believes her.
A mediocre screenplay, no direction, actors who seem lost, and failed special effects are all on the menu for this stinker.
For adults and kids over 10.

What's on tv

Despot Housewives, Dictators' Wives? Is that a thing? Jeez. This week's big news is the release of the new movie "Everest" in theaters on Wednesday. Josh Brolin, Jake Guyllenhall, and Jason Clarke (who's he?) mess around in the snow. Oh yeah, and the American Emmy Awards are on.

What NOT to watch this week. Our tv magazine rates shows and movies using a star system: one star is ok, four stars is best. They use another symbol for really bad movies: the red dot. It means "à zapper" (change the channel!). The editors often include comments about the movie that make me laugh.

And to go with "Everest," we have 10,000 Days, a disaster of glacial proportions, apparently. By the way, the word Inédit in the red box means that this is the first showing of this program (on this channel, anyway).

10,000 Days. American made-for-tv movie. Directed by Eric Small, 2014.
With Kasey Campbell, Peter Wingfield, Lydia Look, Kenneth Meseroll, and Jay Montalvo.
► Ten thousand days ago, a comet collided with Earth and plunged the world into a new ice age. Since then, the survivors struggle to subsist.
Be it the plot, the special effects, the actors, nothing at all works in this haphazardly directed stinker.
For adults and kids over 10.

What's on tv

Rugby World Cup! It starts up toward the end of the week; France plays Italy on Saturday next. Our television program has a profile of France's team, a review of the top five national teams, and the full schedule of televised matches. I like rugby, but I don't watch much, usually because I'm watching tennis. I also have still not really figured out the rules. But it's fun to watch!

World Rugby (15 players/team), not to be confused with Rugby League (13 players/team).

What NOT to watch this week. Our tv magazine rates shows and movies using a star system: one star is ok, four stars is best. They use another symbol for really bad movies: the red dot. It means "à zapper" (change the channel!). The editors often include comments about the movie that make me laugh.

This week's bomb has Christian Slater in it, which surprises me because I normally like the films he's in. Oh well, I suppose everyone has a bad day now and then. Or, just don't make a movie where the director's last name is the same as your first name; leads to confusion. The film's English title is "Stranded."

Invasion sur la lune (Moon Invasion). Canadian/British made-for-tv movie. Directed by Roger Christian, 2013.
With Christian Slater, Brendan Fehr, and Amy Matysio.
► A moon base, partially destroyed by a meteorite shower, is invaded by an extraterrestrial life form.
 A bomb in which Christian Slater attempts, unsuccessfully, to make us overlook a stupid story line and less-than-convincing special effects.
For adults and teenagers kids over 12.

What's on tv

The new season on Canal + is under way and the tv program is highlighting their women presenters this week. For me, it's the second week of the US Open. The tournament is very interesting this middle weekend. Who else will stumble?

Ingrid Bergman is a citizen of the world. Wait... aren't we all?

What NOT to watch this week. Our tv magazine rates shows and movies using a star system: one star is ok, four stars is best. They use another symbol for really bad movies: the red dot. It means "à zapper" (change the channel!). The editors often include comments about the movie that make me laugh.

I've never seen this second installment of "Basic Instinct" (I did see the first one), and was surprised to see it get panned in our tv program. A quick check on the internet shows me that Roger Ebert gave it only 1 1/2 stars and the Tomatometer at Rotten Tomatoes only registers a 7%. So, it's unanimous.

Basic Instinct 2. American/British/German crime drama. Directed by Michael Caton-Jones, 2006.
With Sharon Stone, David Morrissey, David Thewlis, and Charlotte Rampling.
► In London, a romance novelist meets a renowned psychiatrist who must evaluate her sanity as part of a murder investigation.
 A hollow screenplay and actors bordering on the ridiculous. The film's failure at the box office was scathing.
For adults and teenagers over 12.

What's on tv

This is it. Vacations are over and people are going back to school and to work. And the US Open tennis tournament starts up on Monday. You know what I'll be watching.

What NOT to watch this week. Our tv magazine rates shows and movies using a star system: one star is ok, four stars is best. They use another symbol for really bad movies: the red dot. It means "à zapper" (change the channel!). The editors often include comments about the movie that make me laugh.

The Germans don't get off without a zap. It might be worth a watch just to see Mr. Wiesinger up there, but probably not (a German-language film dubbed into French).

A la poursite de la lance sacrée (In Search of the Sacred Spear). German made-for-tv movie. Directed by Florian Baxmeyer, 2010.
With Kai Wiesinger and Fabian Busch.
An archaeologist searches for his mentor who disappeared while searching for the spear that supposedly pierced the body of Christ.
► This movie wants to be another "Raiders of the Lost Ark" but has none of the elements that made its model a success.
For adults and teenagers.

What's on tv

Only one week left of summer school vacation. La rentrée scolaire (back to school) is set for Tuesday, September 1. The new television season starts in September as well, with summer repeats going away, old shows starting their new seasons, and new shows showing up (as it were).

All you need to know about French tv series' new season.

What NOT to watch this week. Our tv magazine rates shows and movies using a star system: one star is ok, four stars is best. They use another symbol for really bad movies: the red dot. It means "à zapper" (change the channel!). The editors often include comments about the movie that make me laugh.

This movie is called "500 MPH Storm" in English. The movie poster at IMDb shows the US Capitol toppling over. Apparently, the US Congress finally generated enough hot air to knock the top off the building.

Hyper tempête (500 MPH Storm). American made-for-tv movie. Directed by Daniel Lusko, 2013.
With Casper Van Dien and Bryan Head.
After a mistake, an energy experiment goes awry. Destructive hurricanes pop up all over the United States.
► This made-for-tv movie unites bad actors, of which Casper Van Dien is the primary representative, mediocre special effects, and an annoyingly idiotic screenplay. In short: a huge bomb!
For adults and teenagers.

What's on tv

It's a cover with almost all the stories about French television/personalities. They still couldn't resist one tiny American reference: Lee Majors.

Sheila, an icon of French pop music from the sixties, may still feel 40, but she turns 70 this week.

What NOT to watch this week. Our tv magazine rates shows and movies using a star system: one star is ok, four stars is best. They use another symbol for really bad movies: the red dot. It means "à zapper" (change the channel!). The editors often include comments about the movie that make me laugh.

Daysaster? I have no words.

Independence Daysaster. Canadian made-for-tv movie. Directed by WD Hogan, 2013.
With Ryan Merriman and Emily Holmes.
On the USA's national holiday, Earth is attacked by space aliens. A firefighter and a scientist attempt to counter the invasion.
► A threadbare script, direction that's all over the map, all helped along by bad actors. Indigestible.
For adults and children over 10.

What's on tv

Well, this certainly isn't. Tom Cruise's fifth "Mission: Impossible" comes out in theaters this week. So, TF1 is showing "Mission: Impossible 3." I remember seeing the first film in the US, I think, when it came out on television or on DVD, but I haven't seen any of the sequels.

The speculation about Earth-like planets is all the rage right now.

What NOT to watch this week. Our tv magazine rates shows and movies using a star system: one star is ok, four stars is best. They use another symbol for really bad movies: the red dot. It means "à zapper" (change the channel!). The editors often include comments about the movie that make me laugh.

Not Bigfoot again! But who could pass up a movie with Danny Partridge AND Greg Brady?

Bigfoot. American made-for-tv movie. Directed by Bruce Davison, 2012.
With Danny Bonaduce, Barry Williams, Sherilyn Fenn.
Two men come together to hunt a legendary creature in the mountains.
► The special effects are almost as bad as the actors. We feel sorry for Sherilyn Fenn ("Twin Peaks"). On the other hand, the appearance of Alice Cooper as himself is hilarious!
For adults and children over 10.